What if…

What if I told you I’m depressed?
What if I told you I want to put a gun to my head. A knife to my chest.
What if I told you I spend my days in bed, laying my head to rest. Playing dead.
What if I told you that I am my every regret.
What if I told you that I remember everything I’ve said, every person that I’ve met.
What if I told you that they took a piece of me with them every time that they left, and now there’s nothing left.
What if I told you that I’m drowning, and I don’t want to catch my breath.
What if I told you that the weight of my world is too heavy. Broken. Can’t give another rep.

… or what if I just told you that I’m fine instead?

Love trumps hate.

I have this feeling in my heart right now and I don’t really know how to express it but if you care to stick around while I attempt to translate this emotion into words then I’d just like to say I appreciate it and I hope you enjoy and if you don’t then I’m sorry I wasted your time but it was your decision…

I guess the best way for me to describe how I feel is overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by life and it’s beauty and the good that still exists within humans… I came across Shia Labeouf’s current project which I highly recommend you check out; http://hewillnotdivide.us/ (I apologise for not being fancy enough to hyperlink but it’s 2am and oh who am I kidding even if it was 2pm the fact remains that I’m lazy) and for some reason just seeing these people, despite everything that has flooded the worldwide media and news today surrounding Trump beginning his presidency, going against the grain and telling everyone that they will not allow one individual to change them and their beliefs and what they believe is right just really hit me. I’ve always had faith in humanity but shit man, right now I feel like the happiness in my heart will cause me to burst!!

A light always shines brighter in a room filled with darkness, but if you choose to pay attention to the dark you’ll allow yourself to become blind to the light.

The world can be either dark or light depending on how you look at it because there’s good and bad everywhere, that’s just the nature of life. Yin and yang. Kenan and Kel. Balance. However, it’s up to you which you decide to focus on. There are terrible things happening all over the world and I never want to deny that or come off as though I’m saying that one should remain positive in those situations because I’m not. Well actually I guess I kinda am but I’m not claiming it’s easy to do so, I’m just trying to remind you (and myself) that there are also amazing things happening around the world by incredible people and as much as we like to acknowledge and discuss the bad and the evil, we have to credit and encourage the good because in a world that’s continuously teaching you that love isn’t beneficial, it’s difficult to give it. As cliché as it may sound, positivity breeds positivity and love is the most powerful energy of them all. I mean let’s face it, no sadness or anger has ever led me to feel how amazing I feel right now! And I also feel like it’s time for us as a people to make a choice.

I refuse to allow the world to harden me or to become blind to the good that still exists. I will pay attention, I will praise, I will support and I will choose love every single time.

Reflection.

I haven’t posted in a while mostly because 1. I had nothing to write about and 2. because I figured I don’t have all the information and facts regarding anything I do want to write about.

That left me to write about the only thing I do know; myself.

Now, a lot of people always speak about how many changes we go through as we get older in life, but nobody ever really tells you about what it’s like going through them so I thought I’d do some reflection on my own progression… I believe I started this blog when I was 18, and now I’m 21. I know that’s not really a long period of time, however, it’s a significant period of time. It’s the period in which I feel I changed the most.

You can look back through my posts and get an idea on the type of person I was when I was 18 but the main point for me is that although I was well aware I didn’t know it all, I thought I knew enough. I thought I could speak on anything and everything. I thought I was so enlightened (ha!) and that I could see the world soooo differently compared to the common man (don’t get me wrong, I still think I have a very unique view of this thing we call life but I’m not arrogant about it). When I was 18 I didn’t really get the attraction of life. I mean, I did and will always consider the gift of life to be a blessing but a part of me didn’t understand why people fought so hard for it. I was so consumed by the problems and negatives that came with being alive that I guess I never appreciated the good. Now, at 21, I realise that the reason I felt like that was because I was simply alive but not living. Everyone has a different idea of what constitutes as “living” and back then I guess I was manipulated by a false reality – an idea of life being all roses, $100 bills and sunny beaches. Now I understand that that isn’t the life I live for (although I wouldn’t say no to it). I felt like now and only now, I’m discovering what is important to ME, and not just believing what I have been told to consider important. Of course, money makes the world go around. The Earth is a business however, money is not a commodity I wish to centre my life around. Nor do I want to live for social acceptance, something which I considered the be all and end all at 18. I guess a big part of that is to do with my view of social media. I’m not ashamed to admit that I fell into the trap of social media at 18, and that I became a pawn in a very destructive game. A game that teaches you your worth as an individual is based on the opinions of other people. In hindsight, I was a bloody fool for ever allowing myself to get sucked into it but I don’t regret it because now, I have such a different view of social media and it’s a view that has saved me from going down a self-destructive path. A path I’ve witnessed many people walk down.

In all honesty, I still wouldn’t say I know myself because I’m a firm believer in every experience shaping you and God willing my experiences won’t end now but, all that being said, I am happy to say that I’m content with who I am. I’ve learned so much about myself over the past few years and in order to do that I had to leave my comfort zone. At the end of the day, no matter how much you water a seed planted in concrete, a flower is never going to grow. So many people say they want their life to end (I know that I did at 18) but what they really mean is that they just want the pain to stop. A pain that stems from your environment and although it’s much easier said than done, you are in control. If you don’t like your life, change it. But more importantly, accept that life is about balance. We are only human after all, it’s time we accepted it. It’s time we welcomed the good and the bad with open arms as one simply cannot exist without the other.

That’s what I would say is the biggest difference between the me at 21 and the me at 18; that I’ve made my peace with the fact that you need bad days to match the good. As 50 Cent once said, “Sunny days wouldn’t be special if it wasn’t for rain”.

Religion and Society | Assignment Extract

For my Religion and Society class I had to submit an assignment regarding my personal thoughts and feelings about religion. One of the questions I had to answer was “What worries/scares you most about religion? Why?” and due to the feedback I received on it, I felt that I would share it here…

What worries/scares me the most about religion? I am in fact (what I would consider to be) a “religious” person myself so I wouldn’t say that anything scares me about religion, minus the possibility that it’s all a lie of course. In fact, I find the question itself almost humorous because when I think about religion I’m not struck with fear but instead, I am overcome with serenity. Nevertheless, you could say that I have some worries concerning religion. My initial worry is that overtime the oldest religious texts will be edited with false information and religious practices will deviate from their origins in order to control the masses. Likewise, I’m worried of “religion” itself losing its importance and becoming a throwaway term associated with a belief in anything e.g. cults. Another worry I have is regarding the ignorance and misconceptions surrounding religion. A lot of worldwide conflicts have been said to stem from religion and although I myself don’t completely buy that considering the other several factors such as money and power that need to be kept in mind, it still doesn’t stop the fact that there are millions of innocent civilians out there that are oppressed, discriminated against, victimised and simply hated on a daily basis solely because of their belief.

It’s almost ironic that religion, something that can be said to promote peace, has allegedly caused so many wars both worldwide and internal.

Religion isn’t something that should be seen as a sensitive topic and discussed as though it’s taboo simply because of the stereotype people are expected to satisfy due to their belief (which is generally that they impose their belief on others and are unable to be rational about the concept of religion). Religion itself is not scary to me. Religion itself is not worrying to me. As I stated earlier, the manipulation and misconceptions about religion are what worry me. It worries me that if you’re an Asian male with a beard you’re going to be considered dangerous in a public place because it will be presumed that you’re a Muslim. It worries me that people run away from Jehovah’s Witnesses on the street because they find them weird for believing in something they don’t. It worries me that if you refer to yourself as being religious people will immediately assume that you’re declaring that you do not sin. It worries me that we’re so comfortable with disregarding people’s beliefs simply because we don’t understand them. It worries me that nowadays the term “religion” has negative connotations so much so that questions such as the one I am answering right now are asked. It worries me that we live in a world where people can’t practice freely and it worries me that we live in a world where people can’t choose to not practice freely.

Religion is beautiful. Belief is beautiful. Faith is beautiful. In a world this chaotic and corrupt, I don’t know whom I respect more – those who risk having faith, or those that don’t.

In conclusion, I guess what worries me the most in regards to religion is that instead of liberating and loving each other like we should, we would rather create divisions between ourselves due to our differences instead of celebrating the fact that no matter how alike we are, no two of us are the same and it is in fact these differences and these personal beliefs that make us, us. If we all thought the same then this world would be a very boring place. Peaceful perhaps, but definitely boring.

 

Definition.

See, I find it almost laughable that people attempt to label or categorise me in order for me to make sense to them because you see, I’m not the same everyday. There are times where I’m loud and chatty but there are also times where I won’t say a word or make a single sound.

I can’t define myself so what makes others so sure that they can?

I once read somewhere that we’re all schizophrenic’s and as much as I dislike mental diseases being used in such passing statements a part of me agrees. Of course not in the full sense of the word but we all have multiple personalities within us which when merged together make up our own.

So, thanks but no thanks. I don’t want to fit your category, I’d rather create my own.

Vanity.

It’s always been an odd thing to me, that somebody speaking on their own strengths or achievements is labelled ‘vain’ – are we not supposed to be proud of our accomplishments? Are we not supposed to be proud of our-fucking-selves? I’ll be honest, I love myself. I haven’t always loved myself but right now, yeah, I kind of do. I know that I’m a decent person and obviously I have my weaknesses but hey, my moral compass is always pointed in the right direction. I have good attributes and my personality is second to none. Also I know that if you lose me from your life, you will regret it.

Ok, so you may think I sound like an egotistical pig but I’m just proving a point because had I just written about every flaw I have and how much I wish I was more like somebody else you’d have all probably sympathised with me because you can relate which is really, really sad.

It’s not ok that the norm is to dislike yourself.

It’s not ok to feel insignificant or worthless.

It’s not ok that self-hate and depression is glorified to the extent that they’ve now become slogans for people to wear on their t-shirts. Like really? Not cool guys, not cool at all.

To love yourself is sanity, not vanity.

Of course there’s a fine line between loving yourself and loving yourself but at the end of the day, if someone wants to be big headed then so what. It’s their right (right?) Who knows what they’ve overcame in their life. Who knows what they’ve achieved. Who knows why they’re so annoyingly smug. It’s better they’re comfortable in their own skin within a crowd of people than sat alone in a corner of their room watching “How To Deal With Depression” videos on YouTube with the curtains closed and Slip Knot blaring through their speakers.

Humans have this great irony about them; we’re constantly speaking on how important it is to have self-confidence yet we bring down the few that do by constantly pointing out their ‘flaws’ in the hope that it’ll shatter their confidence to the mess that is ours. Muttering and leaving comments like “you’re not as great as you think you are” which in a way is right, they’re greater. Why? Because they know who they are and they’re proud of it and most importantly, they’re true to themselves. They’ve gotten to know the only person that will always be there with them throughout their lifetime. Personally, I don’t understand why these individuals are targeted so much. It’s almost taboo to express anything remotely positive about yourself. Pah.

We live in a world where people will question why you’re happy but not why you’re sad and then wonder why suicide rates are peaking. I must admit, it does make me wonder how many people would still be breathing if only they were given someone to talk to, a reason to live because they knew somebody cared.

The crazy thing about feelings is they’re contagious. If we promoted self-confidence and I mean REALLY promoted it to the extent people weren’t criticised for thinking they’re the shit imagine how much better the world would be… How much happier people would be. How the general consensus would be to procreate and not to commit suicide. How self-hate and depression would go back to being issues that require attention and concern.

My request to you all is to firstly, love yourself. Accept your flaws and understand they are a part of who you are. They are what make you unique. There is no other you, take pride in that. Secondly, don’t ‘bash’ someone for exerting their confidence because it’s not an easy thing to do. Lastly, be kind to people because you may be the only person out there that is. Things stick with people, especially negativity so smile at strangers and extend a helping hand wherever you can – change their world in order to change the world.

Compared to none.

Stop comparing people; it’s a competition none of us agreed to.

When you begin to compare people you distract from the beauty of their individuality – the incredible fact that we all really are unique.

If we were meant to be the same, we would be.

If you must compare me, compare me with the person I used to be.

ThINK.

We’re stuck in a generation where trust, honesty, love, loyalty and respect are just tattoos.

Don’t shoot the optimist.

I was never a fan of optimism, I couldn’t understand why somebody would choose to be so out of touch with reality.

I thought was dumb.

I thought it was weak.

I thought it was tragic.

It was only recently, well, today in fact that I began to think about optimism in depth and actually realise how much strength it must take people to view something in a positive light… In a world so dark it’s not exactly easy to look on the bright side all the time so, I’ve began to admire the ones that do.

It’s effortless to spot negatives, of course is it. Shit, faults are magnified to us, they’re the first thing we ever see when we begin to analyse something whether it be an item of clothing, a picture on instagram or a blog post. So considering that, for someone to alter their own mindset for it to, in a way, overlook its initial thoughts and to inspect for the positives instead? Well, that’s pretty damn remarkable in my eyes.

I’m not the most optimistic person in the world, I’ll hold my hands up to that but that’s because I have and always will consider myself to be a realist in the sense that I see the world for what it is (or should I say for my understanding of what it is) so because of that, I’ve never found the idea of optimism appealing as in a way, you’re forcing yourself to be naive but I guess that’s not the case at all.

Plus, isn’t that what we do when we dream? Create a false reality?

People aren’t optimistic because they don’t see the world for what it is, they’re optimistic because they see the world for what it can be.

If you want to say the sky is yellow then fuck it, the sky is yellow. You’re the only one that sees the world through your eyes so what you see is completely up to you…

I’m not saying I’m going to be a Positive Penelope from now on and I’m certainly not going to be one of these people that lives their life by The Secret but, I won’t be so judgemental of those that do.

I don’t know, maybe I’m changing my ways because I’m getting old *shrugs*

But what about my people?

Slavery.

The Holocaust.

The Sikh Genocide.

You see, we all want justice for these events (and many more) but for who exactly? ‘Our’ people? I for one don’t agree with this mentality at all. These events should be taught to us not only because they are a distinct part of history but because they show that we have all suffered in one way or another. Granted, some have suffered more but history shouldn’t be seen as one big dick measuring contest – it’s not about who suffered the greatest loss or which ethnic minority/religion deserves the most sympathy, it’s about learning what shaped and made the world the place it is today. I mean, I don’t learn about slavery because my ancestors were a part of it, I learn because to me there is no difference between black history and my history. I don’t relate to those that suffered through the colour of my skin tone but through the simple fact that I too am a human being, just like them. We are all bleed red so what does it matter if your particular ‘group’ of people wasn’t affected by an injustice, does that mean you won’t recognise it? Won’t learn about it? Won’t disseminate the information to teach others?

It’s not my intention to get people hung up on grudges from hundreds of years ago, however, I think the world and the people in it would benefit greatly from learning more about the history behind each other and not just themselves. We live in a world where knowledge is key and more importantly, a world where history is vital. Yes, the past is the past but without the past there would be no present. It should be in everyone’s best interest to learn, don’t deprive yourself of knowledge due to ignorance.

Furthermore, we shouldn’t be so concerned with race/religion etc because as much as I hate to use the cliche, at the end of the day, we’re all exactly the same. Segregation doesn’t need to exist, especially not in terms of history. So long as you are on this earth, it all applies whether you are black, white, asian or rainbow.

We should never forget the pain endured to allow us to live the way we do today whether it was experienced through our own bloodline, or not.