Love trumps hate.

I have this feeling in my heart right now and I don’t really know how to express it but if you care to stick around while I attempt to translate this emotion into words then I’d just like to say I appreciate it and I hope you enjoy and if you don’t then I’m sorry I wasted your time but it was your decision…

I guess the best way for me to describe how I feel is overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by life and it’s beauty and the good that still exists within humans… I came across Shia Labeouf’s current project which I highly recommend you check out; http://hewillnotdivide.us/ (I apologise for not being fancy enough to hyperlink but it’s 2am and oh who am I kidding even if it was 2pm the fact remains that I’m lazy) and for some reason just seeing these people, despite everything that has flooded the worldwide media and news today surrounding Trump beginning his presidency, going against the grain and telling everyone that they will not allow one individual to change them and their beliefs and what they believe is right just really hit me. I’ve always had faith in humanity but shit man, right now I feel like the happiness in my heart will cause me to burst!!

A light always shines brighter in a room filled with darkness, but if you choose to pay attention to the dark you’ll allow yourself to become blind to the light.

The world can be either dark or light depending on how you look at it because there’s good and bad everywhere, that’s just the nature of life. Yin and yang. Kenan and Kel. Balance. However, it’s up to you which you decide to focus on. There are terrible things happening all over the world and I never want to deny that or come off as though I’m saying that one should remain positive in those situations because I’m not. Well actually I guess I kinda am but I’m not claiming it’s easy to do so, I’m just trying to remind you (and myself) that there are also amazing things happening around the world by incredible people and as much as we like to acknowledge and discuss the bad and the evil, we have to credit and encourage the good because in a world that’s continuously teaching you that love isn’t beneficial, it’s difficult to give it. As cliché as it may sound, positivity breeds positivity and love is the most powerful energy of them all. I mean let’s face it, no sadness or anger has ever led me to feel how amazing I feel right now! And I also feel like it’s time for us as a people to make a choice.

I refuse to allow the world to harden me or to become blind to the good that still exists. I will pay attention, I will praise, I will support and I will choose love every single time.

Reflection.

I haven’t posted in a while mostly because 1. I had nothing to write about and 2. because I figured I don’t have all the information and facts regarding anything I do want to write about.

That left me to write about the only thing I do know; myself.

Now, a lot of people always speak about how many changes we go through as we get older in life, but nobody ever really tells you about what it’s like going through them so I thought I’d do some reflection on my own progression… I believe I started this blog when I was 18, and now I’m 21. I know that’s not really a long period of time, however, it’s a significant period of time. It’s the period in which I feel I changed the most.

You can look back through my posts and get an idea on the type of person I was when I was 18 but the main point for me is that although I was well aware I didn’t know it all, I thought I knew enough. I thought I could speak on anything and everything. I thought I was so enlightened (ha!) and that I could see the world soooo differently compared to the common man (don’t get me wrong, I still think I have a very unique view of this thing we call life but I’m not arrogant about it). When I was 18 I didn’t really get the attraction of life. I mean, I did and will always consider the gift of life to be a blessing but a part of me didn’t understand why people fought so hard for it. I was so consumed by the problems and negatives that came with being alive that I guess I never appreciated the good. Now, at 21, I realise that the reason I felt like that was because I was simply alive but not living. Everyone has a different idea of what constitutes as “living” and back then I guess I was manipulated by a false reality – an idea of life being all roses, $100 bills and sunny beaches. Now I understand that that isn’t the life I live for (although I wouldn’t say no to it). I felt like now and only now, I’m discovering what is important to ME, and not just believing what I have been told to consider important. Of course, money makes the world go around. The Earth is a business however, money is not a commodity I wish to centre my life around. Nor do I want to live for social acceptance, something which I considered the be all and end all at 18. I guess a big part of that is to do with my view of social media. I’m not ashamed to admit that I fell into the trap of social media at 18, and that I became a pawn in a very destructive game. A game that teaches you your worth as an individual is based on the opinions of other people. In hindsight, I was a bloody fool for ever allowing myself to get sucked into it but I don’t regret it because now, I have such a different view of social media and it’s a view that has saved me from going down a self-destructive path. A path I’ve witnessed many people walk down.

In all honesty, I still wouldn’t say I know myself because I’m a firm believer in every experience shaping you and God willing my experiences won’t end now but, all that being said, I am happy to say that I’m content with who I am. I’ve learned so much about myself over the past few years and in order to do that I had to leave my comfort zone. At the end of the day, no matter how much you water a seed planted in concrete, a flower is never going to grow. So many people say they want their life to end (I know that I did at 18) but what they really mean is that they just want the pain to stop. A pain that stems from your environment and although it’s much easier said than done, you are in control. If you don’t like your life, change it. But more importantly, accept that life is about balance. We are only human after all, it’s time we accepted it. It’s time we welcomed the good and the bad with open arms as one simply cannot exist without the other.

That’s what I would say is the biggest difference between the me at 21 and the me at 18; that I’ve made my peace with the fact that you need bad days to match the good. As 50 Cent once said, “Sunny days wouldn’t be special if it wasn’t for rain”.

Criminal nation.

We’re all criminals.

We’ve all stolen pieces of other people’s lives.

We’ve all either wasted their time or hurt them in some way.

And that, that’s the worst thing you can steal.

Time.

You just can’t get that back.

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The moment you realise a person is only ever as important as you allow them to be it changes everything.

But what about my people?

Slavery.

The Holocaust.

The Sikh Genocide.

You see, we all want justice for these events (and many more) but for who exactly? ‘Our’ people? I for one don’t agree with this mentality at all. These events should be taught to us not only because they are a distinct part of history but because they show that we have all suffered in one way or another. Granted, some have suffered more but history shouldn’t be seen as one big dick measuring contest – it’s not about who suffered the greatest loss or which ethnic minority/religion deserves the most sympathy, it’s about learning what shaped and made the world the place it is today. I mean, I don’t learn about slavery because my ancestors were a part of it, I learn because to me there is no difference between black history and my history. I don’t relate to those that suffered through the colour of my skin tone but through the simple fact that I too am a human being, just like them. We are all bleed red so what does it matter if your particular ‘group’ of people wasn’t affected by an injustice, does that mean you won’t recognise it? Won’t learn about it? Won’t disseminate the information to teach others?

It’s not my intention to get people hung up on grudges from hundreds of years ago, however, I think the world and the people in it would benefit greatly from learning more about the history behind each other and not just themselves. We live in a world where knowledge is key and more importantly, a world where history is vital. Yes, the past is the past but without the past there would be no present. It should be in everyone’s best interest to learn, don’t deprive yourself of knowledge due to ignorance.

Furthermore, we shouldn’t be so concerned with race/religion etc because as much as I hate to use the cliche, at the end of the day, we’re all exactly the same. Segregation doesn’t need to exist, especially not in terms of history. So long as you are on this earth, it all applies whether you are black, white, asian or rainbow.

We should never forget the pain endured to allow us to live the way we do today whether it was experienced through our own bloodline, or not.

Paradox.

I am a living paradox.
I want nothing more than to be happy,
but then I wallow in all of the things that make me sad.
I’m lazy, yet at the same time I’m awfully ambitious.
I don’t like parts of myself, but I also love who I am.
I say I don’t care, but really I do.
I crave attention,
but forever reject it when it comes my way.
I’m a conflicted contradiction.
I just can’t figure myself out yet and because of this,
I don’t expect anyone else to.

Escapism.

Is it weak to crave an escape from reality? To want to zone out for just a little while. To wish to be in a conscious state of unawareness? Because if it is then well, I’m happy to be weak…

Let’s not lie to ourselves; as great as the world can be at times the truth is, it’s still fucking shit. But, if we as people were to sit and wallow in the reality of life and the world we live in we’d either end up depressed, insane or both. It is this very reason why, as much as I dislike addicts a part of me will always sympathise with them. The world really is a disgusting place to be, it’s just sad that they lost their sense of reality.

We need forms of escapism – they’re basically deterrents, stopping us from losing our damn minds. Think about it; without TV, films, books, games, music, art etc what would you do? You’d be forced to do nothing but think 24/7. Forced to face reality. Forced into a state of helplessness where the only time you’d escape would be in your sleep. I mean, that is why we dream isn’t it? To create a ‘false reality’, one that we ourselves prefer? I, myself love to sleep for this very reason. It’s the perfect fix as the next best option would be death and I’m not quite ready for that.

Why change the world when I can simply close my eyes and create my own?

Anything we do in life is more or less to distract our attention thoughts. I used to hate myself for not being able to deal with reality 100% of the time but then I realised nobody can (nobody sane anyway). It’s impossible, the world isn’t great enough for that, nowhere near.

Everyone is allowed to forget, even if it’s just for a split second. It’s refreshing and sometimes, it’s exactly what you need. That’s what we’re all doing here right? On the internet I mean. We’re tuned into the world but at the same time, we’re completely deaf to it.

Great isn’t it.

*plays some trap music*

Coordinates.

I used to ask myself the question; why do people confide in strangers? I mean they have their friends and their family so why do they pour their deepest darkest secrets out online to people that 1) they don’t know and that 2) don’t really care? After reviewing the question over and over in my head the only logical explanation and conclusion that I can come to is that we people find solace in strangers.

Strange huh.

Now I myself don’t and will never confide in those that I don’t know personally OR plan to meet simply because I don’t believe it to be very wise to make yourself vulnerable to the ‘public’. Also, I’m very reserved about these things purely because I like my business to only concern those involved [DISCLAIMER: I don’t have trust issues I’m just cautious with whom I trust as everyone should be]. Having said that, I can totally understand why some people do do it. Take my blog for example; I have a platform on which I can say anything and everything so if I really wanted to spill a plethora of my most suppressed thoughts/experiences I could without the fear of those that know me best judging me because of it. Naturally anyone that reads these secrets will form some sort of opinion whether that be positive or negative but from my own personal experience the judgement of a stranger doesn’t exactly equate to much – a stranger judging you and somebody you’re close to judging you are two COMPLETELY different things. The former shouldn’t affect you as much as the latter because you don’t have any attachment or obligations to the individual so in theory, you shouldn’t care for their opinion because you’re not under any pressure to please them and that, that right there is the problem with our relationships as humans; we only ever want to please our loved ones and make them proud and this in turn forces us to have this façade that everything is hunky-dory 100% of the time when in reality, our entire world could be crushing around us.

Furthermore, if you take your average everyday friendship it isn’t exactly formed on the basis that you already know the ins and outs of one another, that all comes with time which is the total opposite to e-friendships as most of the people that ‘meet’ on-line will have read constant updates (which are essentially the individuals thoughts) daily before they actually meet said individual which allows their friendship to establish on a deeper level as they already have some insight to the inner workings on one another’s mind.

The reason I entitled this post coordinates is because I think the biggest factor which determines whether or not someone will open up or confide in you is the distance element because when you think about it; if you yourself felt that you could finally get everything you’ve built up and held inside of you for so long off your chest with someone that is more than happy to listen without the fear of probably ever bumping into them would you? Imagine the relief that would come with it…

I myself converse with individuals all over the globe who tell me their problems like we’ve been best friends for years and as much as I want to believe it’s my great advice they’re in search of a part of me thinks they’d be willing to tell anyone that was thousands of miles away and happy to listen.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, we’re all in search of someone that is as fucked up as we are.

Pause that, abort that.

So if you haven’t guessed already this is going to be a post on the oh so upbeat and happy topic, abortion.

NB: I’m not going to get into the ins and outs about at which stage a child becomes a child because everyone has their own idea in regards to that but my stance on it is that because I believe in souls, I assume you obtain your soul the moment you leave the womb therefore that is the point at which life actually begins (I don’t have anything to back this up though, it’s purely a theory).

Now a lot of people have their own opinions in regards to abortion which is perfectly fine but seeing as this is my post let me tell you where I’m at. To me, abortion IS and will always be murder but not in the sense that you’re taking a life (due to my soul theory) but for the fact that you’re denying your baby the chance of a life. Does that mean that a female who has aborted her child should be put in the same category as a murderer? HELL NO! Like, let’s be real for a minute; a female will always be in control of her OWN body and if she wants to take it upon herself to abort her own child then so be it. Who are we to tell her any different? That’s HER right.

I’m never going to be pro-abortion because, well, you’re denying your child the chance of a lifetime (har har) however your reason for doing so is none of my business and I can sympathise and understand why people do it. I mean, it’d be extremely easy for me to sit here and say that any female that allows herself to have an abortion is a heartless being and should be condemned to a life of hell but if I was to get pregnant tomorrow chances are the first thing I too would do is run to the clinic. Why? Well I refer you to the image above.

This also brings me onto my next point: the lesser of two evils.

None of us are in any position to judge a female for having an abortion because we’ll never know why they’ve done it. It’s all fair and well to say no female should ever have an abortion but that only works in theory, not in practise. Say you were raped and the result of that led you to fall pregnant, would you want to give birth to that child knowing that every time you looked at him/her you’d be reminded of that day? Knowing that you’d forever be punishing your child for what his/her father did? Or say you knew your child was going to be born with a severe disability, would you be able to have him/her knowing they’d grow up with a lower quality of life than say a ‘normal’ person? Knowing they couldn’t go a single day without being mocked and feeling worthless? Or it could be a situation so simple as you simply not being ready to raise a child. It’s never as black and white as we like to think. Yes, you could say that an abortion is a selfish act as there are females out there that aren’t fortunate enough to have their own children but again, that’s a lot easier said in theory. Personally I think I’d rather know my child was gone than know he/she is out there somewhere full of resentment toward me for giving them away.

The mental torture would drive me insane.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is, MIND YA OWN DAMN BUSINESS. What one woman does and doesn’t do with her body is not your problem because you’ll never know all the facts and at the end of the day she’s the one that has to live with it on her conscience, not you.

P.S. if you are a female (or even a male) and you’re happy to have unprotected sex because you think that abortion will always be there as a safety net then you’re a moron. Nothing more, nothing less. Abortion should be a last resort, NOT A BACKUP and if you don’t have the mental maturity to take responsibility for your own stupid hormonal actions then maybe you shouldn’t be having sex until you learn to grow up!

Love through hate.

People love to have this misconception of me; one where they think that I think I’m the shit when the truth is I don’t, at all. I mean you could say I love myself and in all honesty I’d probably agree with you because realistically, if I didn’t love myself then how could I ever expect anybody else too? I don’t want to be sixty and single thanks.

I know I’m not better than anybody else nor have I ever believed that I am but does that mean I’m meant to hate myself because sorry, that’s not happening. I’m very aware of the fact that I’m far from perfect but that doesn’t mean I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I am who I am and I’m proud of it. Of course I have flaws and things about myself that I’d change if I could but this is reality and I can’t so what’s the point in pondering over them and getting myself down? The way I see it is that no matter where you look in life there’s always going to be somebody out there who is prettier, smarter and funnier than you so the sooner you learn to accept yourself for who you truly are then the happier you’ll be and now that I can promise you. If you spend your life comparing yourself with others then you’ll get nowhere, you’ll never grow as a person and you’ll get to fifty screaming your shoulda, woulda, couldas. Either that or you’ll lead yourself down a one-way path to suicide.

If people don’t like you then that’s not your problem, if you begin to change yourself then it is. You shouldn’t fake for acceptance from others because really, if they won’t accept you for who you actually are then why entertain their presence? You could take that time spent and share it with those who are genuinely fond of you. Don’t please people who don’t deserve pleasing or sell yourself short… you’re worth much more than that.

in·se·cure (ns-kyr)
adj.
1. Not sure or certain; doubtful: unemployed and facing an insecure future.
2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe: A shortage of military police made the air base insecure.
3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady: an insecure foothold.
4.
a. Lacking stability; troubled: an insecure relationship.
b. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety: had always felt insecure at parties.
inse·curely adv.
inse·cureness n.
inse·curi·ty (-kyr-t) n.

I guess the main reason you could say I’m so confident is because I’ve learnt how to live securely with my insecurities. Everybody has insecurities unless you’re some Optimus Prime type robot (if you are then can you please holla, I really can’t be bothered with public transport anymore) but the thing people need to learn is that YOUR insecurities should only be known by you. The second you let that weakness fall upon the wrong eyes and ears they’ll latch onto it and after time goes by they’ll break you down day by day eventually destroying you. If you go through a phase of hating yourself to love yourself then so be it.

And remember; confidence not cockiness.